What Am I Doing Here?

Yesterday, I received an email from an old friend that explained why she couldn’t come for a visit to Galiano this summer. She patiently listed her upcoming trips, her hosting a very large party in early July, her C-level full-time job with possible travel to China, her positions on various boards of directors, and a variety of other activities I won’t go into. It made me laugh out loud to realize the contrast between her existence, based in London, and mine here on a rather remote island in British Columbia. At one point in our distant past when we first met, her life and mine were rather similar.

So how did this come to pass?

Well, clearly she and I have made many different decisions. She has focused much time and energy on her career and participating in her communities while I have spent more time on recreation, family, and the outdoors. And much of my being here has to do with my choice of men. My first husband, Jamie, was in love with the beautiful islands in Georgian Bay, on Lake Huron north of Toronto, and we spent several weeks each summer there. In fact, he is there right now enjoying island life. That was my introduction to seriously incorporating the great outdoors into one’s existence. When I met John, I did not anticipate that he, too, would start to yearn for more time in nature, away from the city.

As I have recounted to several friends, the purchase of this house was largely driven by John’s anxiety about his upcoming retirement next year. Wondering what he’d do once he was no longer working, he started out advocating for the purchase of a “sprinter van” that would allow “us” to travel around the country sleeping in what is essentially a very expensively outfitted camper. I had zero interest and luckily he had second thoughts about the carbon footprint (photo below from March ’22 of John on roof of rented van that helped him realize how much gas it used) so that idea was relegated to the scrap heap.

Then he switched to the idea of getting another motorcycle, having sold his beloved BMW 1200 GS a few years ago. I used to enjoy riding on the back but once he started saying he was feeling less confident, I quickly lost interest in taking what I knew was a big risk. So when he brought it up again, I said it was up to him but that I wouldn’t be joining him and that if he had an accident that left him impaired, I wasn’t going to spend the rest of my days at his bedside. That pretty much finished off idea #2.

Finally, we started discussing second homes, first focused on California but then switching to BC when we reminded ourselves that we still felt it is a good idea to always have an option to move to Canada should the political situation in the US become untenable. Having rented houses for several years on Hornby Island in the Northern Gulf Islands, we knew we loved the area but Hornby was very hard to get to for any potential guests so we limited ourselves to the Southern Gulf islands of Pender, Mayne, and Galiano and amazingly found a house whose location we loved on our first trip to the area.

So, here I am. John just left this morning for a month to accompany his son, Anders, to a treatment program in Florida for his crippling anxiety and panic disorder. That leaves me and Moose to our own devices. Photo below of us with house in background.

So I guess my answer as to what I’m doing here is that I don’t actually know. It remains to be seen. I’m here because I could imagine this might work out whereas I could not imagine myself in a van or on a motorcycle anymore. As a self-professed feminist from way back, it is interesting to hear myself describe my decision as one essentially driven by my husband’s needs but perhaps this is a sign of maturation on my part. I empathize with his need for something to look forward to given his upcoming retirement and I try to be open to new experiences. I figure we don’t always know what will or won’t work out so it’s best to try things. Granted, this is not an easily reversible decision as this house was on the market for almost a year before we bought it so it’s not like a property in SF that you can just turn around and sell if you change your mind.

But, after days of cool, overcast weather the sun is coming out and I couldn’t be in a prettier place. Moose and I are hiking with my neighbor, Kate, and her dog, Mr. Biggles, later today. There is a live Indie concert this evening in town. Tomorrow, I volunteer at the Galiano Conservancy from 10am to 2pm working in the “Food Forest.” And I now have 2 hours of pickleball with a friendly group of players every Monday and Saturday. So, while I don’t really know what I am doing here, I am finding things to do and still have lots and lots of time for contemplation.