Why do women regard negotiations with fear and loathing?

Once I’ve managed to convince you that negotiating is critical to your success, many of you may continue to avoid it.  Why is this?  I think there are several reasons but I will address only one this week.

Women, like men, want to be liked and most women know intuitively that they risk being liked less if they ask for too much.  While being confident, outspoken, and self-promoting is expected of men, this is not so true for women.  Research demonstrates that when women promote their own accomplishments, it can cause their audience to view them as more competent—but at the cost of viewing them as less likeable.  Men who promote their own accomplishments do not have to deal with this risk:  as long as they don’t overdo it, self-promotion earns them both higher evaluations of competence and likeability.

So what’s a woman to do?

1. Become thicker skinned and less in need of being “liked.” This requires more internal confidence so you are less in need of external validation.  The double standard is totally unfair but if someone told you life is fair, they were pulling your leg.
2. Frame yourself as negotiating for the interests of “others.” Even though you need to toot your own horn to be recognized for what you’ve done, you can emphasize how your accomplishments have been for the good of the organization overall or some important group.  Pointing out how good you are at helping others get what they want is less likely to trigger the unlikeability trap.
3. Train yourself to be excellent at interest-based negotiations.  By spending time understanding the “interests” of the party with whom you are negotiating, whether it’s your boss or someone on the other side of a big deal, the process becomes more appealing, less self-focused, and takes advantage of skills such as empathy and communication that you may already feel strong in.

Therefore, internalizing the main concepts of interest-based negotiating is a win-win for you and all women as it makes negotiating for yourself less personally risky.